Starting a Conversation About Someone’s Drinking or Drug Use

You do not need a perfect speech.

Concern for someone you love can arrive as a tangle of worry, anger, and uncertainty. Before you try to say everything at once, decide what you want this first conversation to accomplish. It may simply be to share what you have noticed and ask whether the person is willing to talk.

This is a conversation guide, not an intervention plan. If you are worried about your safety or someone else’s, seek appropriate professional help rather than trying to manage that situation through a difficult conversation alone.

Begin with what you have observed.

Write down a few specific observations before you speak. ‘We have missed several plans together, and I’m worried’ leaves more room for a conversation than trying to prove a label. Speak from your own experience and avoid claiming to know everything the other person is feeling.

Choose a time when a conversation is possible. Ask an open question and leave space for the answer. Listening does not mean you must agree with everything you hear. It means allowing the person to respond before deciding what to say next.

Keep your part clear.

• Describe the concern you want to discuss rather than reciting every past conflict.
• Ask what kind of support the person would be willing to consider.
• State your own limits in terms of what you can or cannot do.
• If the conversation becomes unproductive, pause and decide how to return to it.

Leave room for another conversation.

One conversation may not resolve the situation. You can care about someone and still need support for yourself. Consider speaking with a qualified professional about your circumstances, particularly when there is repeated conflict or uncertainty about safety.

Your next step might be gathering information together, making a call, or agreeing to talk again. Avoid promising an outcome you cannot control. For a starting point, explore The Lake’s resources or read what an admissions conversation involves.